


the fear of falling apart

by pureblood_whovian



Series: drabbles [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, Unhappy Ending, kinda unrequited love?? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 06:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7212213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pureblood_whovian/pseuds/pureblood_whovian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>based on the prompt "do you like him?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	the fear of falling apart

**Author's Note:**

> i know i said i had exams but.....

"Magnus looks nice tonight."

Of course he does. Magnus was never one to do things by halves; Alec remembers the sleepover where Magnus described his plans to take over the world in terrifyingly accurate detail.

It makes sense he would apply the same dedication to his own engagement party. Everything is colour coded, and everything is covered in glitter, another thing Magnus has always never held back on. Thankfully he's toned down the glitter on himself, probably for Etta's sake. He's wearing that nice blue suit, and Etta's wearing a nice lilac dress and doesn't it all look so _nice_ and _lovely_ -

Alec stops. He's not here to be bitter.

He realises Izzy is waiting for an answer. He swallows down some more champagne and nods in agreement, not trusting his mouth to not let all the awful jealous words out.

"Do you like him?" asks Izzy, a determined look in her eye. She asks the question daily now. Alec always gives the same answer.

"He's my best friend," says Alec, these words familiar and comforting. Magnus has always been his best friend, since those awkward early teenage years when Alec had those embarrassing braces and Magnus wore significantly less stylish clothes. "Of course I like him."

This is usually where the conversation ends. Izzy will pat his arm and walk away, leaving Alec stuck with all those thoughts inside his head. The ones he never seems to know how to say out loud.

Instead, Izzy gives him a look. "You know what I mean."

Alec shifts uncomfortably. Every day, she pushes closer and closer to the dangerous truth, the one neither she nor Alec will ever say out loud. He realised it too late, is all. He'll deal with it.

"No, I don't."

Izzy sighs. " _Yes_ , Alec, you do. And you'd feel so much better if you said it out loud." She's giving him that pitying look now, the one Alec can't stand and-

"It wouldn't be fair," reasons Alec. And it _wouldn't_. How would it be fair to say it all out loud, when Magnus and Etta are so happy together, so clearly in love? How could Alec live with himself, if he ruined all that?

"It's not fair that you'll never tell him," says Izzy, the pity gone now. "Wouldn't you like to know if someone was secretly in love with you?"

Alec plasters a fake smile on his face. "Why, is there someone secretly in love with me?"

The joke falls flat. Alec has never been good at waving away feelings in that way; Jace always did it will such an effortless ease. And it's infuriating, the fact that Alec, described by many as a 'control freak', has so little control over his own damn feelings.

Izzy plays along. "You never know. Maybe someone is secretly in love with you. Maybe they were always waiting for you to say it first."

For a brief moment, Alec entertains that possibility. That Magnus could've very loved him back in the same way. But the thought doesn't work, all jagged around the edges, a puzzle piece from the wrong box.

(And it breaks his heart.)

"Well then they wouldn't know me at all," snaps Alec and Izzy's face shuts down. "Anyone who spends more than a second around me knows I'm not the one to initiate conversation." He takes a deep breath. "I'm getting more champagne."

Izzy's right. He'll never know.

**Author's Note:**

> tbqh i don't even know what this was, i just had to get it out. hope it didn't make anyone too sad!! however, if you like sadness, come find me on tumblr i'm [ @faeriemeliorn ](http://faeriemeliorn.tumblr.com/)


End file.
